Fighting with our teens is so exhausting, and yet so important. However, in a world where it is possible to fight about everything from smoking to cereal, it becomes essential to pick your battles. It is a matter of mental and emotional survival, to limit your fights to the ones that really matter.

“Wait, I got it. We, uh, won the battle and lost the war, or was it the other way around? ‘Cause around here, it’s hard to tell sometimes.”

― Kami Garcia, Beautiful Creatures

 Sometimes by losing a battle you find a new way to win the war.

Donald Trump

Many years ago, I had a conversation with a father of five who worked as one of the trades who built houses with my husband. At the time my children were young but I already had a strong inkling of what the future would hold with my strong willed child. I asked him if he could give a parent one piece of advice, what would it be? He answered very simply, he said “Pick your battles”.

Sounds so simple, and it is-and isn’t. I found it hard to pick a battle when there were so many which came up and all seemed important at the time. Battles seemed to multiply as they got older. How about maintaining a tidy room, getting homework done, moving your plate from the table, learning to backtime, and that is not to mention the serious stuff. The really serious battles can involve curfews, driving, cheating, lying, sex, drugs, and rock and roll!  I was once telling my friend my frustrations and she stopped me and said “REALLY, THAT is what you are worried about? My kid was brought home by the police for selling pot! Don’t  talk to me about clean bedrooms!” Everything is relative!

 Being an adult is very complex, especially when you take into consideration that half our  teen’s brain dissolves when they hit puberty!!

Limit Confrontations with your Teen

“Always keep your foes confused. If they are never certain who you are or what you want, they cannot know what you are like to do next.”

― George R.R. Martin, A Storm of Swords

It is worth the effort to limit our confrontations, otherwise our children are always in trouble for something, ALWAYS, because no-one is perfect even though we might like to think we were the teen from heaven! I was at a conference once with Gordon Neufeld of “Hold Onto Your Kids” fame (another inspiring book!) and a parent in the audience said she fought with her son constantly over homework,she wanted to know how to get him to do homework. Mr.  Neufeld’s answer was surprising, He told her to stop arguing with her son about his home work! He said her relationship with her child was more important than his schoolwork and that his schoolwork was between him and his school, nothing to do with her! Most people had trouble accepting that answer so it sparked a great discussion.

The son wouldn’t do the homework if he wasn’t nagged.

The school expected parents to ensure the work was done.

Wasn’t that a parent’s job, anyway?

If we let their homework go, then it is a slippery slope and soon we  have no control at ALL!

 Mr Neufeld stuck to his point: your relationship with your son is more important than anything- if his homework is causing too much friction, let it go!! Mr Neufeld  felt that education was the responsibility of the child and the school, and if your child did not do his homework he should be allowed to experience the consequences of his failure! The sooner he figured this out the better it would be for him! When Mr Neufeld was challenged with the importance of grades to future university prospects (Grade 11 and 12 especially, he said it was unfair to put so much pressure on our kids, they were struggling with adolescent life enough as it was, and we could not force them to recognize the importance of their future, nevermind determine their future career. They would come to that in time. Also, if they did not have the drive  to be in university, then why would we risk so much in trying to force them there!

 Phew! I felt a bit like Atlas relieved of his weight, except, WAIT!  I homeschool, so my shifting of responsibility of necessity will look different than most people However, most people can happily cross “homework” off their list, yes, DO IT! You can lead a horse to water, etc.!

I found this very difficult, almost impossible for me to digest because grades and school are important to me. I homeschool and I feel personally responsible for my children’s education and want to  ensure they can make any educational choice that they want, be it university, trade or business. Nevertheless, I have to keep reminding myself that it is their life after all and I am just the current facilitator!

Adolescent Health and Safety

“You know how hard it is to feel like an extreme falcon-headed combat machine when somebody calls you “chicken man”?”

― Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid

What then, is on my list? Well, obviously health and safety, including mental, emotional, spiritual, and social health. And, well, thats it! That is big enough for me to cope with and probably covers everything anyway. For example, under health there is personal hygiene;  ”brush your teeth, wash your face”! Under social health (or is it safety?)  are found manners; ”say please, thank you, hold the door for the people behind you, don’t push”! Then there is mental health; ”get enough sleep, don’t burn the candle at both ends”.  Finally there is emotional health; ”you seem angry, frustrated, worried, do you want to talk about it?”

 I try hard not to comment on appearances. I try to forget about how they look, as long as they are not making unhealthy choices (belly button piercing, septicemia and all that!). I include low cut tops which I consider unhealthy, not because of drafts and cold but because of the type of attention our girls will get. My husband and I tried to highlight for many years that  appearances count and, unfortunately, we DO  judge people by their covers! Our teens  may not get the reactions they want if their appearance communicates something else!

Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Mo!

 “There are always risks in battle. It’s a dangerous business. The trick is to take the right ones.’ [said Halt].

‘How do you know which are the right ones?’ Shigeru asked.

Halt glanced at his two younger companions. They grinned and answered in chorus, ‘You wait and see if you win.”

― John Flanagan, The Emperor of Nihon-Ja

 This is where we have to pick our battles! I find it very difficult to focus on everything at once, and so I don’t.  Besides, I really don’t want a household that is punitive, it is too exhausting. I want a household that is full of love, laughter and companionship, where we are all successful roommates, supporting one another, an emotionally and physically  safe place to be. Isn’t that what we ALL want? But we are in training, so I pick my battles. I address the most glaring issues for a while and then move onto something else. I will get after my kids for their hygiene for a while, then, when I have made my point, I will focus on  something else, like food choices, or the major mess trails they leave behind, or chores, the list is endless!

 I was sharing this concept with another friend and she asked if there was anything that was always in play. At first I said “No”, but then I thought about it and realized that there are a few. I am always on top of their curfew (mental and physical health), and I always jump on respect, and language issues (social health). They have to be home before midnight unless they call, they have to speak to others with respect, and I always nail swearing. (They nail ME too, on that one!)

Let it GO!

 “I was once in a battle trying to fight my way out when I realized it’s better to sneak out.”

― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

Finally, I have found that I have to let go. Some things cannot be cured and must be endured, so I move on to something else. I try to remember what I was like, I try to put the problem  into perspective, and I try to have compassion. It is tricky being a teeneager. Life is hard enough without having someone bug you to take out trash left in the car, or move the backpack on the table where it seems to live anyway!  When I find that I am obsessing about shoes all over the floor, or toothpaste splatters, or milk on the counter yet again, and I seem to be the only one who is frustrated, I take a deep breath, go for a walk, and imagine that they have left home, or have been injured in a car accident, or worse. Then when I come back home and see their beautiful faces, and hear their inane humour, I can hug them and feel blessed. I would rather have them safe, even if it means sour milk!