“Checking in” and “checking up” are NOT the same thing!

When we were older teens and young adults we got in the habit of checking in with Mum at night before she went to bed. We knew she did not sleep as well when we were out and that she often curled in a chair in the living room with a book waiting for her children to come home at night. It was not that she did not trust us, it was simply that she was a mother, and her babies were out of the nest, and it made her anxious!

Love and Respect

In the “old days” there were no cell phones, so “checking in” involved finding a pay phone, NOT a difficult task back then; there was a pay phone on every corner and in the lobby of every hotel and every disco in town. Yes, we are talking about the disco era! We knew Mum went to bed at 11:00pm and so we would find a phone before then and “check in” with her. It seemed to give her comfort to know we were all well and enjoying ourselves and would be home before too late. We did this out of love and respect for her. If we knew we would be away from a phone we checked in earlier. There were three of us, and so sometimes the phone was busy. If the others had not yet checked in then we would make the call a fast one; “get in, get out”, as my brother would say! If you were the last child then you were at liberty for more of a chat if you wanted one, or more of a “holler” since we were usually in a crowded place! However, more often than not we were all together having shared the ride into town, then only one call was necessary. Mum appreciated hearing from us, and because we loved and respected her, we called.

“Checking in” and “Checking up”

There is however, a big difference between “checking in” and “checking up”; it is not semantics! When someone is “checking up” on another, it implies distrust, or lack of faith in the other person’s judgement. The only time I use the phrase “checking up” these days is when my children are sick, and then I am “checking up” on them to make sure they do not need anything, to make them more comfortable. When they are sick they will ask me, “When are you going to check up on me again?” Then they will put in a request for more juice, or another pillow! It is an entirely different context than when your teen is out and about the town with friends.

Guilty until Reliable

However, if you are truly “checking up” on your teen because he has betrayed your trust or has yet to prove he is reliable, then use it deliberately, when he is well aware of why you are using the term, hopefully  because you have had a discussion before he has left for the evening! Don’t be afraid to communicate to your child that you want the best for them, but they need to earn your confidence in their ability to make healthy choices and to to be reliable. My son used to say “Why don’t you assume I have my act together first and then come out with all these rules if there is a problem”? My answer was “Because you are young, vulnerable, and I love you and want you safe!” Our children are growing their independance one experience at a time, and we are their control and safety net. Don’t apologize, don’t feel as if you are a “fuss budget”, and please don’t accept a rude answer. If your child consistently doesn’t answer, and uses questionable excuses, then be prepared to effect consequences. Your child is not guaranteed to like you, but you are supposed to parent!

Use Technology

There is more than one way to check in with your child. Your teen can always call you, or text you, but as the availability of the internet increases as more stores and cafes provide WiFi we have found others ways to contact one another. We often Facebook Message each other, or, my favourite, my son or daughter sends me a photo of themselves and their friends! We also use Instagram and Snapchat, though Snapchat robs you of a second look! If I text my child and get no answer, I will often offer to phone him or her. It is amazing how quickly I get a response! Also, if you pay for your child’s phone (we offer them $10/month which is the base rate for “Pay as you go” services with our service provider, more than that they have to pay themselves) if they run out of data, they stay home! Now that our children are older, we have established trust and our rules are much more lax, but it took from age 14 to 20 to get here, so be patient, it will be worth it and you will sleep better!

Establish a rule for “checking in” and you will need to “check up” on them less and less…we hope!