Arguing is not only healthy it is essential for your teen, but the endless exercise of persuading and bickering can drive a parent distracted! The Broken Record Technique will help to moderate the endless hours of argument and help you maintain your calm.
“Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it get there.” –-Josh Billings
“The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won’t.” –Henry Ward Beecher
If your teen is anything like mine, you have a potential lawyer in your midst. It amazes me-no, it ASTOUNDS me the length to which my child will argue a point, a point which he knows, (this part also amazes me!!) a point he KNOWS, in fact, a point we BOTH KNOW, he cannot win! He will ask to do something which he knows is not a possibility, and then I will regretfully say “No”. He will then ask the inevitable “Why?”, to which I will apply my brilliant, wisdom infused, experiential adult logic which he will then happily shoot down using adolescent logic. So I will counter with another salient point, to which he will apply more adolescent logic, and so on, to great lengths. As far and as long and as distant from the original argument as I am prepared to follow, he will lead me!
Here is a health warning: Do not grapple with adolescent logic!! It is very bad for your blood pressure, your stomach, your headache, etc. etc. Adolescent logic is a truly fascinating blend of adult vision, childlike innocence, and a mind boggling self-confident belief in an ability to control circumstances!! It includes phrases like: ”It won’t rain”, or “it will be open”, ”they won’t mind”,”there will be lots of space”, ”the tide will be out (or in, but no one has checked the tide table), “I know for sure”, “it will be FINE”!!!
(As an aside here, your teen’s absolute belief in their omniscience is tangible and adorable if you are not irritated, furious or worried! It is a pity they have to lose the faith that they can control the weather, tides, bus schedules and just about everything else around them. However, it is this belief which makes boys much more likely to die of unnatural causes between the ages of 17 and 25 than at any other time of their lives.)
Teen Logic
“He conquers who endures.”
–Persius
“Victory belongs to the most persevering.”
–Napoleon Bonaparte
However, back to arguing with your teen: It does not matter what you have to say, the adolescent will have a comeback. What gets really entertaining is when they can argue the same point while making completely contradictory statements! For example; “There won’t be anyone there, but I won’t be alone, there will be lots of people around!” Then we can get into a discussion on the semantics of “anyone”, and “people”!
Or this: “ His Mom said we could, but he hasn’t talked to her yet”! When you question this obvious fallacy your teens responds, “He asked her BEFORE and it was fine then, so, uh, yeah!” At this point you want to bang your head on the wall, or theirs, and so you nail them with the contradiction, but here be warned again. They are arguing for the exercise and to see how you perform. The logic or the point of the argument is often unimportant to them, and If you back them into a corner they will “bite”and the argument will turn nasty. We have all been there, and have heard and said regretful things, so smile to yourself, nod your head, and never, EVER, laugh!!
Engaging the Teen Brain
You cannot reason people out of a position that they did not reason themselves into.”
I enjoy a good discussion, but I have come to appreciate that I must not engage that adolescent brain unless I am prepared for the long haul, and sometimes I am!! Sometimes I have put the dinner in the crock pot, grabbed a cup of tea, a granola bar, taken the phone off the hook, put on my comfy sweater, and faced my son squarely across the kitchen table, and said “O.K., my love, you don’t like my answer, I am ready to go the distance”!! He gets an interesting look on his face, (warning, winning an argument sometimes comes with a price!
But more often than not, I am busy with life, I have only limited time for a discussion and I just want him to do what I ask, without coercion, persuasion, manipulation or going nine rounds!!! And so I have developed a response which I will call the “Broken Record Technique”. I like the name because it will mean nothing to you if you were born after the 1980s, but anyone of my generation (who are the ones with teens anyway), will get a vivid mental image! In the heat of the moment it is always helpful to have a mental image to fall back on, at least for my cluttered brain it helps! The trick of the Broken Record Technique, or BRT, is that you give them nothing to argue with. You agree with what they are saying, you are compassionate, understanding, you do not point out errors in logic, you hear all that they say, and it drives the kids crazy, instead of you!! It goes like this:
(Cell phone) Hey Mom! I am at the beach so can I stay out another hour?
No, hon, it’s late already, you have to get home, we have church tomorrow.
Come one, I got lots of sleep last night!
I know sweetheart (regretful and sympathetic tone) but you need to come home.
I am with a bunch of friends, we just met up with them, they have a fire going!
Sounds like a lot of fun! (remember you ARE on their side! Besides it gives them nothing to argue with!) But you need to come home.
Mo-o-o-m!! WHY? EVERYBODY is here! I have been home early every night this week !! I finished all my homework! (They may start to guess your arguments!) PLEASE!!
Thats great sweetheart, but you need to come home.
MOM!! I’m SERIOUS!! I can be home in 20 minutes!! How about I stay an extra 15 minutes? (Desperate bargaining sets in!)
Excellant!! I will see you in 20 minutes, then! Bye.
Mom, MOM!!
Bye, honey, drive carefully, I am going to hang up now, hurry home!!
FINE!!
Teenagers Need to Argue 
“Give me the liberty to know, to utter, and to argue freely according to conscience, above all liberties.”
The trick with the BRT is not to overuse it, arguing with us is very good for our teens, they need to know where their boundaries are, and they will test them constantly. This cannot happen if we are not there to “drop the gloves”( to use a hockey term). Use the BRT when the answer is unequivocally “No”, especially when you are on the phone. Otherwise say “Yes, maybe” When he was younger, my son would get very frustrated, almost to the point of tears, when he was forced to blindly obey a command. He would feel unheard, as if his thoughts were unimportant. It was usually other adults he grew frustrated with since, as my husband says, I have “An inhuman capacity to argue, and an endless amount of patience”!! (He also says that I have set up our kids to believe that they can argue a point with everyone, including police officers, and professors, and that this is an unhealthy assumption. I say sure, try it and see what happens, life is a good teacher!!)
My son is learning that I am usually willing to have an open conversation, and to be convinced, unless I start the BRT. Then he (hopefully) gives up, and trusts that I have my reasons. It took a while though to get to this point!! Sometimes I am just too tired to have an argument, I do not want to be convinced, and I may just going on a gut feeling, which is another topic too!!
Like me, you need to keep in mind that broken record, and be patient, yep be patient, no matter what, be patient, exercise all your patience, always be patient!
“Stubbornly persist, and you will find that the limits of your stubbornness go well beyond the stubbornness of your limits.”
–Robert Brault
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